If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
