Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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