I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
