I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
