well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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