so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
