My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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