this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
