It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
