its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
