If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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