i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
