What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
