I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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