According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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