a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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