Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
