So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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