his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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