I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
