I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize