I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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