i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
