Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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