I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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