what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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