God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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