Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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