im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
