when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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