fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
