I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
