I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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