There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
