you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
