yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
