I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
