Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
