Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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