he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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