in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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