Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
