So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
