I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
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