My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
