seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
