Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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