We won't sleep together?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
