i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize