If i come over, it means nothing
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
