its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i think i have two assholes
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
