I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am naked and annoyed.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
