thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
