I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
