Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize