I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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