The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
