Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
