Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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