I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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