Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
