Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
